Apologies, Teshuvuah, Slichot and Forgiveness Requested

Once every so often, and lately more than I would like to be the case, I find myself asking for Slichot, for forgiveness for doing something out of character, saying something that could have hurt someone, acting a certain way that is not in line with who I am supposed to be, or whom I am thought that I must be to work in my chosen field, or even, to be considered a good Jew.

I find myself now again in that situation over a post or two on this blog from last week, where I once again proved myself to be... Human. And in being "human", I felt emotion(s). In this instance, I felt anger, frustration, misdirection, sadness, betrayal and most of all, I felt that some around me were apathetic to a situation that I believe, we care about with similar emotion and importance.

Yet, last week, I blew it. Plain and simple. The situation is not really that important - well, it is, but not something to hash and rehash, especially when the result will not change.

I felt slighted, as did many people who knew what had happened and I reacted. Without thinking and in using this forum, I reacted, which caused more than a few heads to turn, and without even naming names, I was accused of naming names, outing and embarrassing individuals that were not named, nor outed, nor by innuendo even mentioned. Apparently they believe otherwise, so I accept it. So be it. I made a mistake.

I now ask forgiveness, slichot and intend on doing Teshuvah to repent and atone. This, is a given. My question, and my real problem in all of this is, and seriously, not to be glib, but to ask for my own personal knowledge in an attempt to learn: At what point are we permitted to be human? And, if such a point exists, how human are we permitted to be? As Rabbanim, as Judaic and Torah Educators (we are obviously held to higher standards), but at what point, if any, are we permitted to say: HOLD ON, WE HAVE RIGHTS ALSO?

In retrospect, I assume that we have no real wiggle room here, as we constantly remain in a position of believing that we must please everyone all of the time. And that, my friends is okay. Just as long as I know the ground rules.

So, at this point, and in all sincerity, I ask for the forgiveness of anyone that I may have slighted in my post of Thursday, or of last week, three weeks ago, last year, yesterday or today, for that matter. I am sorry. This early in the game, I am going to be human. Maybe more than you would prefer, and for this I apologize.

During my first experience with a Congregant who had passed away in my presence, I had a very difficult discussion with my Rabbi, my dear friend and mentor and asked him if this - if death, gets any easier. He answered pointedly and truthfully. He said, "I hope not." I agreed.

I first apologize for being human and making human mistakes. I apologize for writing (speaking) without thinking it through and cooling off, and I apologize if any one person feels singled out due to my writings of last week.

I also thank you, however, for allowing me to be human. Otherwise, I could not feel what you need for me to feel, when you need for me to feel it.

Ahava u'Vrachot...

--Alan