Signing Off

Dear Friends,

It has been a while since I wrote in this column and it has not been easy to be away, but for sheer necessity and lack of time.  I am saddened to now write this column for the last time.

I have enjoyed sharing my life and thoughts with you these past four or so years and in doing so, “Normal is Overrated” has become a part of my life, as you have become my friends, even though, many of you I have not yet met.

This column began as a mailer to around fifty people and has grown to a (usual) weekly audience of some 11,000 in almost every corner of the globe.

I have learned from you as I hope that you have learned from me.  I have also learned from myself; the hardest lesson of all.  At age fifty, I found that I and I alone own the responsibility for my lack of loving relationships with my children; that what they needed more than my presents, was my presence, and in my lifelong quest to give them “presents”, I forgot about the “presence”; my presence.

Even fulfilling my lifelong dream of serving G-d and the Community as a Rabbi took me away from them, if not physically (which it did), but certainly spiritually and emotionally.
 

I put my vocation (JOB) ahead of my own son’s achievements by refusing to attend a concert that he conducted (on a Friday night); his last as a High School student.  I argued with them about the necessity of keeping Kosher, and tried to dictate their lives from a (more observant) Jewish perspective, not even recognizing what wonderful people they had become just the way that they were raised.  “Living Jewishly”, it turns out, requires one to simply be a good person and to love G-d.  And, by being a good person; a loving and caring person; a person who treats others with respect and dignity, is in and of itself, living “Jewishly”.  I was so removed, that I never really saw what everyone else continues to see:  My kids are great; just the way that they are.  Of course, I have always loved them, but never gave them the proper due respect.  And, in doing so, or as the case is, NOT doing so, I was not living so “Jewishly”.

When my wonderful daughter, now 33, graduated from High School, I stood on our driveway and cried.  Where did the time go, I asked myself.  I had missed her growing up.  I promised myself that would not happen with my boys, but again, it did; because I allowed it to happen again.  Now, I find myself giving all of my time to work, and none where truly important; to family.  I have learned my lesson.

Now comes the hard part.  These past few months, and certainly the past few weeks have shown me something that I never wanted to admit, nor did I wish to even address; I cannot be everything to everybody.  I cannot give my full attention to both my family and the patient who I am called to see at 3am;   I cannot give my “presence” to others and hope that my family will, in its stead, accept my “presents”.  Nor can I be any good to anyone, if I am not good to myself.  It simply doesn’t work.

My friends, I need to live “Jewishly”.

A cherished friend recently reminded me that in order for us as a people to arrive at the Promised Land, we had to wander the desert for forty years.  My youngest son two Passovers ago reminded us at the Seder Table that each of us lives in our own personal “Egypt”.  I agreed then, and I agree now.  The time for me to wander in my own desert and to try to exit from my own personal Egypt, is now.  Therefore, I have made a decision to take leave from the Rabbinate for an unspecified time.

I leave you with three last thoughts:

1.       Never say anything to anyone that you will not own.  In other words, saying something about someone else, and swearing that person to secrecy is simply cowardly and wrong.  If you have something to say to someone, say it to their face.  Lashon haRa, is NEVER a good thing, and someone will ALWAYS get hurt; even by listening.

2.       Do not EVER leave someone you love without telling them; even from a phone conversation.  One never knows if the opportunity will arise again.  Likewise, always say thank you.  They are, but two little words, but they play large; and lastly,

3.       Love each other.  If you don’t now, learn to.  For there is G-d in all of us, and it feels good.

From the Left Coast, and for the last time, I wish you Ahavah u’Vrachot, Love and Blessings…

--Rabbi Alan Abrams

Is George Clooney Gay?

Reading this morning's headlines made me think; maybe more than usual. The headline on MSN-NOW read: GEORGE CLOONEY DOESN'T CARE IF YOU THINK HE'S GAY. And guess what... Neither do I.

On Monday, the headlines wrote about an actresses boob being shown during the Oscars; on Tuesday, our crazy world was concerned with, not the anti-Semitic goings on around our University campuses, rather, the talk of the day was speculation regarding a Jewish ballplayer's steroid test results (deemed to have been mishandled); and, which Hollywood star filed for divorce on Monday.

If we as a society are so concerned with the private lives of actors, ballplayers, politicians and others who have lives just like we do, then why do we not see headlines that tell us what good these people do to help repair the world?

Why do we not see the headline: GEORGE CLOONEY HAS FOUNDED "NOT ON OUR WATCH, a charity that helps wipe out hunger? Why do we seemingly not care that he supports numerous worthy causes?? Is this of no interest to us???

Please understand that I am not picking on Mr. Clooney. In fact, I applaud him when his reply to the speculative question of his sexual orientation is "I don't give a sh*t"; and neither should we.

If an actress has an addiction problem, why are we critical of her, instead of offering her support; and if a basketball player who is little known is given a chance and shines on the court, why are we so quick to need to know whom he is dating?

The truth is, that all of this talk; all of our ridiculous speculation and discussion and "caring", falls under the label of "Lashon haRa"; Bad Tongue; Gossip. In the Torah, we are commanded

"Lo telech rachil b'ameicha," - Do not go about as a talebearer among your people (Leviticus 19:15). This is the basic prohibition against speaking Lashon Hara. If that isn't enough of a prohibition, how about a few sentences later, in Leviticus 19:18, "V'ahavta l'rei'echa kamocha" - Love your neighbor as yourself. This is the source of the "do unto others" rule, that we should treat others the way we would want to be treated.

What if headlines told the world about your financial troubles; or addictions; or love life or sexual orientation? Is it really any of anyone's business, but yours??

I am often reminded of a man with whom I had worked while he was a patient in a Nursing Facility. A sweet, gentle man of only 57 years of age, who had a small, but relatively successful retail business that fell victim to the economy. When the money stopped coming in, his long time girlfriend left him. When the credit card people started calling him (he had around $15,000 in debts), he tried to reason with them, to no avail; and when he was evicted from his apartment, and his neighbors saw his belongings on the sidewalk, and the Sheriff escort him from the building, they looked away and walked past him.

A heart condition sent him to the hospital, and then to the Nursing Facility where we met.

I spoke with him about his faith. I brought him Tefillin, the Phylacteries worn by Observant Jews while praying, so that he would have a pair, as his pair had been discarded onto the sidewalk with the rest of his belongings in such a way that he could not even identify where they were in the huge pile of "stuff"; I spoke with him about his life and time and again, he referred to the passage above, "V'ahavta l'rei'echa kamocha" - Love your neighbor as yourself. And when no neighbor did, he stopped caring; and when he stopped caring, he stopped eating. And when he stopped eating, he started dying, and when he was so weak that his organs failed, he died. Alone. When he was buried, there was nobody there for me to deliver a eulogy; there were no Mourners to say Kaddish; there was no Shiva. I doubt that anyone even knew that he had passed; or maybe, they were all too busy reading headlines about actors who are or who are not gay.

I wish that I could tell you that this is an isolated incident, but sadly, it is not. I wish that I could write that I will never again see such a patient, but sadly, I cannot.

Today, hundreds, if not thousands of people are in Nursing Facilities, Assisted Living Facilities, Hospice Facilities and hospitals. Alone. With no connection to the faith that they so cherished while growing up; with no Clergy to consult or comfort them; with no neighbor loving them as they do themselves. Where are we?

The George Clooneys of the world are doing their part. They are supporting organizations that provide assistance to these people, and others afflicted by the wrongs of the world.

If we are so concerned with the lives of these stars, then maybe we should take a hint and follow Mr. Clooney's example: He works hard at his job and is very good at it; he gives to others and could care less what people think of his personal life. It IS his life, after all.

The poet Linda Ellis wrote it best in her poem "The Dash", which represents the dash on one's grave marker between the dates of the decedent's birth and death. Linda so beautifully wrote:

For it matters not how much we own;

The cars the house the cash
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

New Years Resolutions can be made all year long, of course. Let us resolve to ourselves to remember these words; to love our neighbor as we do ourselves; and if we continue to feel the need to be in such awe of celebrities, let us walk behind their lead and give more and take less.

From the left coast, in sunny, but chilly Southern California, I wish you Ahavah u'Vrachot, Love and Blessings and of course, Shabbat Shalom.

--Rabbi Alan Abrams

Rabbi Abrams is the founder of Mobile Rabbinical Chaplaincy Services which provides visitation to elderly and infirm Jewish patients and residents in the Greater Los Angeles area. MRCS is a recognized 501(c)3 organization and is supported solely by the generosity of others. Please visit www.mrcsonline.org for information.

Is it time to finally listen to the Sages of Old?

In the time of the beginning of the Modern Era, The Great Sage, Rabbi Hillel said “If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am not for others, what am I? And if not now, when? Rabbi Akiva said "Love your neighbor as you love yourself"; and Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel, in the 20th Century said " "All it takes is one person… and another… and another… and another… to start a movement".

We ask, what is this movement? Could it be that the movement should be to care for others as we do ourselves?

In Deuteronomy 6:5-9 and again in Deuteronomy 11:13-21, we are commanded by G-d to love Him with all of our heart, might and soul. This was commanded on all of mankind.

Do these rules not still apply? Do the words of Hillel and Akiva from 2100 years ago not still apply?? How about the words of Heschel, spoken just a few decades ago??? How about if I throw in, just for good measure, the words of The Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King who was quoted as saying "Life's most persistent and urgent question is, 'What are you doing for others'?"

According to the Sages above, should we not Love G-d with all our hearts, souls and might? Should we not love each other as we do ourselves? Should we not take it upon ourselves do protect our own (human race)? And finally, should we not do for others???

One thing I can say with veritable certainty is that if WE were the "Others", we would absolutely hope and pray that mankind would help US.

The problem today, friends, is that we don't. We are too concerned with our own luxury car payments and huge mortgages; with paying our credit card bills that we ran up buying things that we could not afford; and most of all, we are too concerned with "others". Not with helping them, but with "equalling them". Keeping up with the Jones's, or the Berkowitz's, or the Al-Masri's.

In about two months, we will remember the Passover; the Exodus from Egypt when we were liberated from Pharaoh's slavery. We sit around our Seder tables and sing "Dayyenu", it was enough to be liberated; it was enough to receive Torah; Dayyenu, it was enough. But was it?

Are we not still slaves? Are we not slaves to our jobs; our large mortgages, our BMW payments?

What if we were to do an experiment, just for this weekend: From the beginning of Shabbat, at sundown this evening, let us think not about ourselves, but about others. Whether we are on our way to Synagogue, or the golf course; the mall or ball field; the Superbowl party or Bat Mitzvah, let's take a split second to smile at an entirely random fellow person. Let's take a brief moment to think about what THEIR life might be about; what problems might THEY have; and just maybe, we will be able to see the meaning in the words of our Sages from long and not do long ago.

From the sunny Left Coast, I wish you Ahava u'Vrachot, Love and Blessings.

Shabbat Shalom.

--Rabbi Alan Abrams